Because I already have one job that often lacks in external validation.
Blogging is similar to stay-at-home motherhood in some unfortunate ways. Stay-at-home motherhood, is, at times, unsatisfying because it doesn’t always seem like a real job. It’s the same with blogging. Which is why comments and ad revenue and bloggy friends to talk with and site traffic are important. (And why the lack of any one of these things can be very, very discouraging).
How Stay-at-home Motherhood and Blogging are Similar
1. No paycheck. Sure, that $50 a month I get from BlogHer is some of the sweetest money I have ever earned (a post in itself), but it doesn’t really compare to the money my husband brings home, and it’s less than he charges for even one hour of freelance work.
2. You’re never finished. In motherhood, you might count successes like when your kid includes the new kid at recess or when she reads Anne of Green Gables and loves it. Or when she participates in your religion’s rituals, but it’s a journey, with small, everyday challenges and small, everyday triumphs. Setbacks and progress are hardly linear. When do you know you’re patient enough, creative enough, wise enough, loving enough, to be a real mother? In blogging, unless you figure out some gimmick like Mom2My6Pack’s Ebay Pokemon story or you win a Bloggy award, how do you know when you’re a real blogger?
3. There’s no promotion. (Unless you count Grand”mother.”) Even if you do own your blog, even if you say: this level of writing I’m doing, and this amount of interaction with my readers, and this amount of ad revenue is good enough, there’s not a promotion. (That I know of; maybe there is, and it’s to the product placement purgatory that Dooce seems to have landed herself in; in which case I hope she’s getting paid A LOT).
4. You can be as serious as a heart attack or as casual as a Facebook friendship. You can dabble in your blog on weekends or you can set aside two hours every day of sacred writing time. You can network and StumbleUpon and guest post and carnivalize till your fingrs are stiff, or you can sit on your couch and watch Seinfeld reruns instead. With motherhood, you can play princess ponies and read seven Dr. Seuss books daily and plan crafts and grind your own wheat or you can sit on your couch and read Wait for What Will Come.
5. And worst (or best) of all, you can be purposeful one week, and a complete slacker the next.
6. Your sphere of influence is (relatively) small. It’s significant to the people within that sphere (especially your kids!), but sometimes that sphere seems small, when you think about all the big needs in the world.
7. You can do both in your pajamas.
Some bloggers will insist that comments, etc, are unimportant. It’s enough to know, they say, that a few people read, that they’re keeping in touch with family and friends, that they have a personal space to share their photos and their important thoughts and feelings.
Part of me admires (and envies) these bloggers, and I also have a sneaking suspicion that these are also the sort of people who feel more satisfied, on a day-to-day basis, with motherhood. People who are unlikely to look at themselves at two o’clock on a Wednesday afternoon and wonder, “WHAT am I doing with my life?”
Because of course they’re doing something wonderful. I’m doing something wonderful. I believe this. But I also, like Pinocchio, just want to be a real boy (or mom or blogger, you know, whichever).
So external validation is important. (And very little — one comment from a reader or one smile from a baby — can be enough.) In motherhood, a word of praise from a friend or husband or sister or mother(!) can drown out the whining voices. Calculating how much your efforts are worth, monetarily, as a home manager, etc can soothe the sting of being paycheck-less. In blogging, it’s okay to treat it like a job — to expect rewards from your work. To seek sponsors and twitter about yourself and (gasp) market yourself. It’s okay to be discouraged if you’re not seeing the sorts of results you’d like to see.
Of course, you might need to change your strategy or change your expectations or whatnot, because in both motherhood, and blogging (and writing in general), you actually don’t have total control over the outcome. Your blog may be fantastic but just not fashionable. Your mothering may be splendid, and your kids could still turn out to be like Eve’s. Oh, surgeons can’t guarantee a heart transplant, and lawyers can’t guarantee an acquittal, but somehow, to me, the vagaries of motherhood and blogging seem to be even greater. Doing a good job, a fantastic job, as a mother or a blogger is important, but in the end, it’s up to other people (your kids or your readers) to bring back a verdict.
Which is why the similarities between blogging and motherhood don’t stop there. In both, the way to increase job satisfaction is clear. Set concrete goals like no yelling or post (or write) every day. Be purposeful; read and talk with other people about how to do your very best work at both jobs. Focus on what you love about the job, and arrange your life so there are more of those moments — more of the quiet times when your kids are arranged on the other side of the kitchen island while you all cook or create together. Where you can look in each of their faces and engage in a common project. And no one is fighting, for once.
In blogging, I tried to circumvent the whole external validation thing by turning off comments. Because I don’t want to need anything outside myself. I want to be like those mothers, and those bloggers, who say OF COURSE I’M GOOD ENOUGH AND REAL ENOUGH, no matter what the response.
But it didn’t work. Oh, it worked as a plea for reassurance, which I hadn’t planned on. It worked to make me realize that many people read the blog (including the comments) even if they rarely comment themselves. The worst thing (for my no-comment experiment) was that, as I thought of the next few posts I wanted to write, I started thinking about how I couldn’t wait to see what this person or that person had to say. I was sure you’d have an opinion on what’s the best kind of compliment and the progress of my no-yelling resolution.
Because the give and take, the conversation, (and the writing) are what I like best about blogging.
And because there’s one other big way that motherhood and blogging aren’t your typical job:
8. You keep doing it no matter what, because you love it.
Jane
I’m entering Mabel’s Label’s BlogHer 09 contest.
Tags: Mabel's Label's BlogHer 09 contest
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Really great post. And I am not just saying that so you have a comment
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So does this mean you will keep blogging as long as you are a mother. Are you giving them equal significance in your life? If one of them was taken away from you, what would that do to you? I agree with almost all the things you’ve said about the similarities – but what about the differences?
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Golllllyyy!!! I don’t think I could have put that any better, which is why I love your blog and admire your writing. (Oh yeah, I said it – “ADMIRE” – soak it in girl!) You are so clear, and concise. I wish I could be more precise with my words. I always feel like verbal vomit (much like this comment). I agree.
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Tara — I think here I’m supposed to say that OF COURSE, motherhood is more important than blogging, in fact, how can I even compare the two? I can’t even live with myself for suggesting that they’re remotely similar.
And for me, right now, blogging = writing. If I say “writing” instead of blogging, does that make a comparison seem more palatable? If I say that I see myself, as a woman — as a writer? Then yes, I hope to be “writing” as long as I live. Which is surprising, because it wasn’t something I wanted to do as a little girl.
I guess what I should say is that I do want to be something besides a mother, something “real.” Eventually. Or just read more Barbara Michaels. Either way.
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I totally get this. Very thought provoking. I didnt comment yesterday because I couldnt decide. I love all the kinds of posts you do and often come back several times to not only reread but to read the newer comments and feedback as well.
Steff
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I wonder if the bloggers who don’t care about comments don’t consider themselves as WRITERS and don’t aspire to some cool writing projects one day, like you and I probably do.
Yes, I love comments because I really want to know what certain people think. I’m always excited to see everyone’s point of view. And I like it when people can make me laugh.
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Great comparision, I feel the same way. Except I dont know about sponsors or earning money, probably because my following is not as ginormous as yours.
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So I guess this means that I should be posting about how delightful your blog is to me and not just thinking it in my head!
Keep it up; I promise I will comment!
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It’s funny, I know that often SAHMs get to a point where they wonder what on earth they’re doing with their lives. What happened to being a person? But me, not yet a parent, I go to a job I hate every single day and wonder what on earth I’m diong with my life NOT being a parent.
The grass is always greener on the other side
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When I first read about your “Comment Anxiety” it gave me reverse comment anxiety. I know my own blog is fairly uninteresting (unless maybe you are a close friend of our family), so I don’t personally expect to get many comments. But I have started leaving comments (even stupid ones) everywhere on the blogs I like to visit. I guess I worry that my friends won’t feel validated if I don’t comment. I actually feel guilty now if I don’t say something.
So my question is – Is leaving a stupid/pointless comment better than just keeping quiet? I’ve always been the type to keep my mouth shut unless I had something really really good or inspiring to say or add. Does (or should) that rule apply to blog commenting, or that a whole different arena? In other words, would you rather get 100 dumb comments or 50 really good ones? Just curious.
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Not me, I’m stopping because I need to smell some real life roses for once. And because I’m afraid that blogging will cause an imbalance in my parenting. And because I’m freaking fried.
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Jane – your writing is wonderful! I work + be a mom, and it’s challenging to balance. I’m not honest enough with myself and husband to have the conversation suggesting that maybe I should stay home for a while and focus on the kids+household. I did give him a great footrub last night though, just to get him buttered up!
What I’m trying to say is I work and want to be home. You’re at home, and thinking of a day where “work” is out of the house. What, I wonder, will satisfy us? Ahh, no time to ponder… have to run off to my second job as CTO (Chief Transportation Officer) (I’m refusing the outrageous executive salary offered in light of the current economy!).
yikes! it’s after school
I must go drive the carpool
Son, get your license!
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Steffj89 — Yes, I realized it was a little bit selfish of me to close comments in order to protect my fragile ego (sniff) when several people (including my mom!) enjoy reading the comments whether or not they actually comment themselves.
Natasha — That may be why some bloggers don’t care about comments (especially people whose blogs serve scrapbooking or letter-writing purposes, which are GOOD THINGS for blogs to do).
Dick gets very few comments on his blog. But he’s in ALLtop, and he makes money, enough that he’ll be buying a (second-hand, NOT-fancy) car soon. (Right now we only have one car). Comments, in his niche, just aren’t as important. Dick’s certainly not worrying about being a “real” blogger based on his comment numbers (though he does keep an eye on other measures).
Dear Diary — I am not ginormous. Unless by ginormous you mean, one step bigger than a fruitfly (Where The Pioneer Woman is a Brontosaurus. Perhaps I’m a bumblebee). The problem is that once you get 2 comments or 20 comments or 50 comments (the most I’ve gotten on non-giveaway posts) you start to expect that many, and suddenly anything less feels like failure. A little bit.
I won’t lie to you. I’d love to make enough money that I could travel and give my kids more opportunities. But even more than money, wouldn’t it be great to have influence? To know that what you write has the potential to change how people think? Or just to entertain them or reassure them that you understand?
The Esperson Family — Yes, you should be commenting seven times a day.
Liv & Kikibibi — Yes. I was talking to one of my bf’s from HS, and I asked her if she missed her (in my mind, way cool) job at the NSA. She’s been a full-time mom for 2 1/2 years now, and she said she totally doesn’t miss it. She esp. doesn’t miss having to get up everyday and be somewhere. And I thought, “I would LOVE to have to get up and be somewhere everyday.” Then I was talking to our other bf from HS, and she pointed out that Melinda has been a sahm for 2 1/2 years, and I’ve been doing it for 8. So maybe part of it is simple fatigue.
And yes, the grass is greener.
Suzy — Yes. I’d rather have 50 “really good” comments (comments that require a response from me, like this one) than 100 “really dumb” ones. But really, there are no dumb comments (I mean, unless it’s actually offensive or threatening or something). But a “Great post” or even an “LOL” comment let’s me know that someone read and appreciated it (and that is enough).
But, on the other hand, I don’t comment on every post that I read. And no one should feel guilty if they don’t comment on everything. I think it’s probably good etiquette to comment occasionally, just so people know that you are still reading, but the thing about the “really good” comments is that they let you know that you wrote something insightful or provocative enough that people feel like the HAVE to comment. HAVE to have their say. You know?
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Memarie Lane — So I’ve been thinking about this, because I think, Wow, I would never quit if I were as popular as Memarie Lane.
But the smelling the roses thing. I wonder if part of this stems (heh) from the subject matter of your blog. Your posts are almost never mommyblogging posts. They’re witty and creative and about such a wide-variety of topics, I imagine that you do research and thinking about them that is separate from your parenting duties, if that makes any sense.
Whereas I feel like almost all of my posts just come from my daily life. They come from the things I am thinking about all day anyway, and so writing them, and coming to understand myself better as a mother, and my children better, as they figure in my posts, doesn’t distract from my motherhood, but is rather just a natural outgrowth of it.
This means that your posts are naturally more interesting to a wider audience while mine are primarily of interest to those who can forgive endless ramblings about motherhood, but it also means that I don’t feel any need to choose between the two. In fact I think (and hope) that examining my mothering ups and downs through the lens of writing helps me to be more purposeful as a mother.
Knowing that I can write a fun post about a disastrous craft accident certainly helps me to view the accident in perspective, rather than flying in to a rage. (Which I would never do. Of course.)
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Jane, Great post! One of the best I have read lately for sure. Last week I finally had a post the got more than 10 comments. That was a first for me, but now I want more. I feel like a drug addict sometimes.
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Comments DO matter, otherwise we’d just be writing journals. I have journals for different reasons. I blog to connect and communicate.
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Oh yes. comments DO matter. I know I emailed you during the blackout and told you that I’d blog no matter what, even if no one commented.
And I would.
But I still look at some of the posts I write, the ones I think are some of my better writing, and wonder, Why the silence?
Excuse me while I kick myself for whining in your comment section.
But here’s the thing: I don’t think I’m as thought-provoking or as willing to face controversy as a blogger as you are. I think if I laid it all out there a little more (and I am very aware of how much I do hold back on my blog), I’d get more of a response, both positive and negative.
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I think getting feedback and engaging with your readership is valuable, and perhaps important for you Jane because you seem to want to connect with your audience, rather than splat information at them. (I don’t know enough about/of Dooce and other super-bloggers to know if that’s really them, or how they’ve become due to uber-popularity). I think it probably also helps when you’re a Mum to get a sense of community (beyond what you already have with family, church, and so on). That validation of “Yeah, my kid did that thing where they shoved the Snobby Lobby beads up their noses” or “Gee, my kids don’t do that gross thing, but let me tell you about this other gross thing they do”.
I think your blog is your own room, in the Woolf sense. And if at heart you are a storyteller, writer, author, sharer, then you need that room.
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Very insightful. I especially like the points about how you’re never finished, and how you do it because you love it. Personally, I also value comments. Without them, blogging isn’t nearly as fun.
In a way, my sometimes marginalized position as a tech writer in an IT dept. — where tech writers are at the bottom of the IT totem pole, far below developer gods — does propel me to seek validation and respect online through my blog, I guess. I have my own little following in the world I have created.
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There is nothing quite as exciting as getting the emails from your blog with comments! It always makes me feel a tad bit giddy.
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Wow, you nailed it on the head! I love to blog and read blogs and “spy” on other people’s lives/homes/faults. haha But of the blogs I read, you are one of the few that I consider very gifted in writing. I enjoy your writing and your sense of humor and your view on life. I’m glad you blog and hope you won’t be giving it up anytime soon.
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[...] Why Comments Matter by Jane of What About Mom—parallels between blogging and motherhood, always good . Taking it to the next level, validation, even better . [...]
I sure am glad that you are so much better at saying things that I’ve thought and felt. That way I can pop over here and sit nodding my head or laughing or feeling a bit more validated and not so alone. Reading your list it seems like #7 is the only real perk.
Thanks for being real Jane.
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Wow. That was amazingly accurate. I can completely relate. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. I’ll do both.
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Jane,
Normally I don’t comment on posts (laziness I guess), but I’ve been following your blog a while. This post was great perspective for me, someone who wants to become a sahm shortly. Thanks for all the insight!
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Good post! Thanks for commenting at my place.
Comments are why I blog, I think. Who wants to write into a soundless void?
(now check your email! And no, I didn’t block you.)
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What an awesome post…thanks for laying it out like that. Just makes me want to blog more…and mother more. Mother the kids I have more, I mean, not mother more children. But if anybody wants to drop a baby by for a few hours, that’s fine.
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Interesting and educational, but would participate in something more on this topic?
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Your legacy quickly travels. My cousin posted this entry on her blog, based off the copy I personalized on my blog. Cool, huh. Kudos!
Here are someone’s comments on it:
“That’s a great post. I totally feel the same way, I like comments. But some of my blog readers only read blogs every couple weeks, so remember that. That is a great list that women wrote. I wonder if she knows it?”
You can see her copy of my copy of your original, here:
http://armywifemomof3.blogspot.com/
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It was me. I did it. I stole your stuff. I have since added the link to your blog on my post as well. Just trying to give credit where credit is due. Thanks for all your great insights!
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Hey, I’m actually doing a no comment week this week on my blog! And I have to admit that I have really been enjoying it. I think it’s because I am stressed out with an upcoming trip, and I felt like the comments would stress me out more. But I also realize after this week that I am blogging because I want to and I like it, and not just for comments. I will be posting about it tomorrow. Anyway, thanks for this post!
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Hi There! Monkey’s Momma here. Found you through The Mom Nerd. There are times that I am at my job that pays my bills (I am a nurse), but all I can think about is something I want to post soon. I will hide somewhere and check my email on my phone to see if I have any comments. It only takes one silly comment from one of my bloggy buds to turn my night around and make me smile.
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My sister-in-law recommended this post to her readers yesterday. I just thought that you might like to know that your popularity is spreading even more. Here’s the blog entry where she says, “I read a great post on a blog today.”
http://mcgrawland.blogspot.com/2009/03/other-peoples-blogs.html
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