I have a few (very reasonable) rules when I drive. These aren’t arbitrary personal preferences (as Dick would like to believe) so much as a little thing called LIFE OR DEATH. Because if mom gets distracted while driving, chances are she’ll crash the car and everyone will die and all the princess ponies you’ve ever had will be inherited by that mean Nellie Olsen.
Mom’s Minivan Rules
1) No open windows (all that noise).
2) No reading lights on (all that night blindness).
3) No talking (unless Mommy asks how your day was, in which case you should answer and speak up and always remember that Mommy is involved). (Crack cocaine Portable DVD player provided; see? Reasonable).
A couple weeks ago someone who shall remain nameless (rhymes with “fusion” and “collusion” and “dead-meat-usan”) left all the interior reading lights on in the minivan. I usually turn the master switch in the dashboard off to prevent this, but someone hit that too on her scenic way out of the car.
The next day the battery was dead.
I called my mom (who lives 45 minutes away) in panic, and she reminded me that I now have neighbors who would probably be just as happy to jump start me as our old neighbors would have been to sell me drugs.
I walked Sally to school and told Susan that preschool was too far to walk, and then I called up Chrysanthemum, who was more than happy to come flex her girl-power muscles. (I realized later that she would have lent me her car if I’d thought to ask, but it is still new to me to have actual, helpful neighbor/friends).
We read in the manual about popping the gear shift lock releaser-thingie, and then she offered to push the car out of the garage while I steered. I was feeling pretty good about all this do-it-herself ingenuity. But of course I didn’t want her to have to push my weight on top of the minivan’s weight, so I reached in to steer while standing on the ground with the driver’s side door open.
Chrysanthemum and I realized at about the same time, that, pushing a car in neutral, even a heavy Honda Odyssey, is a lot easier than you might think. This was at about the same time that the driver’s side door smashed into the garage wall.
The moral of the story (and what works for me) is:
Develop a healthy (realistic) self-image so that when your car does die, as cars are bound to do at some point, you won’t be silly enough to insist on not adding your weight to the FORTY-SIX HUNDRED POUNDS the car already weighs.
Jane
p.s. It’s not all bad. I know a guy who knows a guy named Carlos who can bang out those, uh, “dents” for me for a really good price. Special price just for me, you know?
p.p.s. If you’ve ever thought it’s just not right that Mom doesn’t get a stocking on Christmas morning unless she stuffs it herself, head over to The Well-Rounded Woman for a fabulous Christmas stocking swap.
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Oh no! I love this story. I would have done the same thing. I am always so self conscious about my weight. It’s so silly! Lisa~
Lisas last blog post..My Favorite Stain Remover
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LOVE this story! I would totally have done the same thing.
And, amen to the dvd player. I swear it is as essential to a minivan as air conditioning and seat belts!
Land of Lovingss last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
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OH, no!! LOL!
Sherrys last blog post..Keeping Jesus as the reason for the season and CHRISTmas Goodies #2 – Honey Chipotle Pecans
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You are hilarious!!!! THis post cracked me up several times. You have a real gift for writing and story telling!
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I know how you feel with neighbors you can count on. I love where I live sorrounded by neighbors who know what is going on at all times and really care.
angela churchs last blog post..
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forgive me for lol-ing @ your story!
Brookes last blog post..The injury
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I have actually rear-ended someone because the kids got so distracting. Luckily the only damage was to my minivan and not to the other car. So your rules are great–I don;t have a dvd player in my old van though.
Rebeccas last blog post..It says I’m apple…
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Oh Jane, I wish I was your neighbor! I’d have been over there in a jiffy with my jumper cables.
As your kids get older, the car rules change. My 16 year old son recently told a friend “my mom’s psycho about the car radio.” Here are my rules:
1. There is an imaginary line running from the left edge of the passenger seat toward the dashboard. Everything from that line to the driver’s door is my domain. Including the radio and the temperature control.
2. I am in complete command of the radio and do not take requests. I also do not take kindly to demands – such as “turn it up,” “change the station,” etc.
3. If one of your friends gets in my car and demands ANYTHING regarding the sound selection, I will make them feel bad for not saying “please” and “thank you,” and then I will ignore them completely.
4. No eating, unless it is me eating. Because others will spill. I will try not to eat in front of you, but make no promises.
5. When we get to our destination, get all of your stuff out of the car – this includes the ONE sock, ONE glove, ONE shoe, ONE anything you are accustomed to leaving in my car. I got no need for it.
Kids, ya gotta love ‘em!
kikibibis last blog post..
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And now I’m glad I DIDN’T ask my neighbor friend to help me yesterday!
traceys last blog post..YOYOMA!
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I’m sorry about your car…it brings back a lot of memories about different car incidences in our past. At what age do we stop doing damage to our cars because of poor judgement? I guess it’s the same age that I stop getting pimples, so never
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