Today, minutes before I exploded my new Pyrex brownie pan by turning on the wrong burner on my glass-top stove, Dick took the car to his scout meeting. He refused to take any of the girls with him, and, since he worked from home today, he never really “came” home before leaving right before the joyous Eat Dinner and Go To Bed part of our program.
(And this week’s trash has not yet made it to the trash can, and tomorrow is trash day.)
(And he left out the blender. Again.)
Yesterday I walked to my cub scout pack meeting with all three girls (WHO ARE NO MORE WELCOME AT MY SCOUTS THAN THEY WOULD BE AT DICK’S SCOUTS) because Dick took the car to his voice-over lessons that he’s getting in exchange for blog consultation. The voice lessons which appeared on his schedule to help him podcast better. (AS IF I CARED ABOUT HIS DING DANG PODCAST).
Now, I know. It could be worse. Dick could be dead. Dick could be a selfish, narcissistic, insensitive creep who left us for a Barbie-type fantasy with LONG HAIR. Dick could be unemployed and uninterested in looking for work. One or all of our children could be terminally-ill with last-stage myofarcoinsentialoma. I could work all day at a real job and then come home to deal with the exact same problems.
But. Could anyone, male or female, explain to me why, when I need to leave the Smoking Brownie-Glass Chunks Everywhere mess in my kitchen for emergency Chik-fil-A fresh-squeezed lemonade (and dinner for the kids), I am car-less because Dick has driven FOUR BLOCKS. (WITHOUT KIDS).
Also, I know. I shouldn’t blame this whole (obviously hormonal) fiasco on being a stay-at-home mom — at least, certainly not on the “mom” part, not when Spot, seeing my weeping while vacuuming glass is intent on hugging my leg in comfort. And not when Susan, even after I spanked her mouth for repeating that very naughty word ONLY MOM CAN SAY says, “It’s okay Mom, you don’t have to be mad.”
But I’m sorry, all of you who have tried to claim some other title, like Homemaker or Soul Sculptors for the King of the Universe. I love my kids. They are the most significant part of my life. The only part of being a stay-at-home mom that I don’t like is the part where I SUDDENLY FEEL LIKE A SECOND-CLASS CITIZEN IN MY OWN LIFE.
Jane
Comment of the day from Emily Jones:
Oh man, I so feel ya. In my blog, I have a separate tag for poo parties, because they happen often enough to necessitate one. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who has days that age me 10 years. I’m also glad to know I’m not the only one who wants to run away from home. It’s almost easier to have a husband that beats on you, because then you can blame him guiltlessly. But when he’s a decent guy who works for a living, it’s harder to tell him he’s being a jerk.
*Not that I want to make light of abuse. If your husband is ANY WORSE THAN MINE in ANY way, please dump him. Right now.
2nd Comment of the day from Maggie:
Tags: marriage, motherhood, parentingSome days I feel the same way. Some days, as in days that end in Y. I’m sorry you had a bad day. I’m sorry your husband couldn’t walk his tush and leave you the car. I hope you have a better day today and an awesome weekend.
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Hope you have a better day tomorrow…somedays just aren’t our friends.
Erins last blog post..Do you remember…
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I know you didn’t mean it like that, but choosing a different title doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids. I don’t mind the “Mom” part, it’s the “Stay At Home” part that bothers me, as though my home is a prison that I’m not permitted to leave. My home is my sanctuary. Anyone can just sit around at home with their kids as “SAHM” suggests, but it takes love to make a home.
Memarie Lanes last blog post..The List
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Erin — thanks!
Memarie Lane — oh! yeah, I totally didn’t mean it like that, I meant it like “I, too, love my kids, but sometimes I want to SCREAM” type thing.
I think Homemaker is a great title — it’s what I’ve always put on those “occupation” lines.
And you’re certainly right about the difference between “staying” home and “building a home.”
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What a cruddy day! How selfish of Dick. Surely he should have walked those four blocks, or even better, walked them with the girls with him, so you could have a special night of Mummy luxury reading/blogging/watching TV/downloading Twilight clips All Alone.
You should move into one of houses on my street that’s for sale (because after moving the other month, you really want to relocate to the other side of the Pacific). At times of crisis and no car … McDonalds is walking distance away. It is not Chik-fil-A, but it is walking distance.
Kirstys last blog post..BIIIG Girl’s Bed
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It’s posts like these that make me love your blog. You are realistic. Everyone has bad days, don’t they? And everyone annoys others somehow sometimes, right?
Michelle Glausers last blog post..Dresden/Augsburg/München
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try to explain to your husband that you always need the car and that needs to walk/bike/carpool/use public transportation always. it’s amazing how much gas you will save and your husband will be much more fit!
i think women bring a lot of this stuff upon themselves because they dont have high expectations. if you expect your husband to always watch your kids during your meetings, and always take at least one kid along to his, it is more likely he will do it.
expect more, demand more in a nice way, be frustrated less…
sylwia
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Jane, are you trying to tell me that when you wake up in the morning blue birds aren’t singing next to your head and friendly woodland creatures aren’t scurrying about your feet as you make homemade biscuits for your three beautifully groomed children who also happen to have perfect manners? Wow, I’m so disappointed.
You know because at my house Lucy has discovered the word Poo Poo and chooses to replace every noun with it as in “I love you poo poo”, “can I have poo poo for breakfast?”, “I like to play poo poo”. Oh and Max has entered a stubborn phase which has resulted in him not bathing, cleaning his ears or trimming his finger nails in about a month.
And did I mention that David is working like a crazy person and I feel like I spend all day, every day saying “no”. Sigh.
But baby, the children are our future, treat them well and let them lead the way. Y’know?!
Beths last blog post..The Chuckwagon
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Kirsty — I hope you’re not being sarcastic about me getting some Mummy time (I assume you’re not — it just sounds like it would be so selfish of ME to want those things — you know, to pee alone, etc).
It wasn’t really that he took the car. Because it’s dark, and it’s late, and it’s cold. It’s that he didn’t even think twice about it the night before when I walked in the dark/cold/late with all three kids. Didn’t even THINK.
Michelle — thanks. And yep, Dick and I annoy each other on a daily basis, unfortunately. Oh, the stories I could tell you. (And so could he).
Sylwai — I think you’re absolutely right about having high expectations. (Although I’d hate to think of myself as a martyr wife who doesn’t make her needs known!). This whole post wasn’t really about the logistics of staying home so much as the attitude I need my husband to have — and you’re right to think that I need to change my attitude too.
BETH — HOLY COW. Susan (4) has been doing the EXACT SAME THING with the poo poo replacing every single noun. I was mostly able to ignore it bec. at least she wasn’t saying that she hated me every five minutes.
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Oh man, I so feel ya. In my blog, I have a separate tag for poo parties, because they happen often enough to necessitate one. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who has days that age me 10 years. I’m also glad to know I’m not the only one who wants to run away from home. It’s almost easier to have a husband that beats on you, because then you can blame him guiltlessly. But when he’s a decent guy who works for a living, it’s harder to tell him he’s being a jerk.
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Jane, this is how I feel about 6 days of the week. Okay, maybe not quite that bad but reading this this morning just reinforced to me that I really am not alone. I cannot even tell you how many times I have felt EXACTLY the way you have described.
I know that both of us love our husbands more than life but I think part of what makes it so hard is that sometimes it feels like their needs/meetings/priorities/etc. seem to always have to come first. Who cares if you have something going on at the same time? You have to take the kids or make arrangements. This was a big problem at the first of our marriage and I’m glad to say that now my hubby is much better at being aware and he almost always takes half the kids with him when he can. Our favorite phrase now is divide and conquer. And we finally got a second car last year after way too many days like the one you’ve described and I just couldn’t take it anymore.
On another note (since I’m writing a novel anyway), about the whole SAHM thing, I’ve always worn that title with pride. But sometimes, while I’m teaching preschool, piano and voice out of my home, holding multiple callings, all while trying to keep up on housework, meals, laundry, helping kids with scouts, homework, etc. I too feel like a second class citizen in my own life. And then I long to be able to get up, go to work and come home and let someone else worry about all the rest of it. Although like you said the reality is that you would still have to worry about the rest of it when you got home and then you would miss those mommy moments that honestly make it all worth it. I know you know those moments, just like I do. I hope you have at least one of those today.
Thank you for this post today.
Oh, and one more thing, if you can tell me that your house is not always clean then we are most definitely friends for life…or longer?)
Sharlas last blog post..The big bad blog
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Some days I feel the same way. Some days, as in days that end in Y. I’m sorry you had a bad day. I’m sorry your husband couldn’t walk his tush and leave you the car. I hope you have a better day today and an awesome weekend.
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I see Jane’s post as an expression of the frustration many women feel about the limiting life of a homemaker/mother. It’s easy to romanticize the other’s career. Men sometimes think it would be cool to stay at home and take care of the kids, while women sometimes think it would be cool to work at a company. In reality, both are problematic. I’m curious to know what some women do to change their home life from a prison into a sanctuary (besides having full control of the only family car)?
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Well put. A second class citizen in my own life. Sadly I can totally relate to that. Mind if I use it where appropriate?
MereCats last blog post..Mo, Peez, Mama
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“My mom told me there’d be days like this…” Breathe…Also I am a much better mom of all varieties (working or stay at home - i do both because I work from home) now that my boys are in school full time and becoming much more self-reliant.
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I don’t think stay-at-home-moms/homemakers/women in general are romanticizing their husband’s/men’s career. I think they are simply wanting recognition of their chosen career, whether that career is in the law or at home.
Feeling like a second-class citizen in your own life is the exclusive province of stay-at-home-moms. Just as many have mentioned, women often do a majority of the housework, cooking, childcare, even when they have their own careers. Their careers often take backseat to the male’s career. A study cited in a NYT article a few months ago found that couples almost always thought the woman’s job was the most flexible of the spouses’ jobs–this result stayed the same in couples where the man was a professor and the woman was a doctor and where the man was a doctor and the woman a professor. End result? The woman misses meetings to take her children to the doctor, is in charge of finding good childcare, is in charge of finding good substitute child care when the nanny is ill, etc. The fact that women’s careers statistically always take second chair undermines the idea that the problem does stems from romanticizing the other’s career. Somehow, our society has conditioned us (men and woman alike) to believe that a man’s job is an inflexible, burdensome job for which his wife must pick up the slack.
This problem is obviously more pronounced when the woman chooses to stay home (actually, and more to my point, this is usually a joint decision). A man should understand that this is a career. She has objectives, goals, deadlines, just as he does. There are apointments–with teachers, doctors, the potty, nap time, etc. There are good parts of the job and bad parts. She gets to cuddle with the kids a lot. He sometimes has nice lunches brought in to work for him. She gets to wear jeans every day. He gets to talk to adults every day. She also has interests and responsibilities outside of her career, just as he does. He likes to watch football. She wants to go to a photography class. She needs to unwind after work, too.
In short, I fail to see how the angst sometimes associated with staying at home (and, more broadly, with traditional female roles) stems from romanticizing her spouse’s job. She merely wants her job (whether at home or at a company) and her personal interests to be on equal footing with her spouse’s.
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Oops. First sentence of second paragraph should read: Feeling like a second-class citizen in your own life is NOT the exclusive province of stay-at-home moms.
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Carolina — For once we agree completely. I read that NYTimes article with great interest too. For me, this isn’t about logistics as much as it is about attitude. For us, we could get another car, we could coordinate our schedules better, we could change our job/life arrangements, but none of that would really fix anything unless both of us start to see our roles and responsibilities just a little bit differently.
I want to “stay” home, I want to figure out how to enjoy it more (and do it better), and I need a husband who will split home and family responsibilities 50/50 whenever he IS home.
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If it was my DH (we have 2 cars) he would have asked to drive my car the 4 blocks. It gets better gas mileage being his reasoning. MEN!
Natalies last blog post..Christmas of Dreams Day 3: Christmas Budgets
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What I can’t believe is that you put up with BOTH of you being in Scouts. You need to get out of that ASAP.
I’m not a full time at home mom, but I really don’t think I could do it. My kid drives me up the wall and even though I love him to pieces, there are times when I’d like to pee alone as well. I’d even take peeing without him saying “mama…poop!! hooray” So at least at work I get a few potty breaks all to myself.
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Jane, no I wasn’t being sarcastic about you getting alone time. It’s not selfish of you to want it, you deserve it, even if it’s two minutes to pee (without someone joining you or banging down the door). Though I do think longer periods are better for a mother’s sanity.
Yes, even the loves of our lives, those wonderful men we choose to live with forever and have children with … can be so completely thoughtless at the most astounding times. Even the greatest Dads just don’t think like Mums do. Perhaps it is a case of raising expectations like Sylwia suggested?
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From someone who is neither stay at home nor mom (hope to be both someday!), even I can relate! Sometimes guys (even the good ones) just dont get it, do they?
Ambers last blog post..Waking up early
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I do know how you feel. I had to say “I’m done!” and go march up the stairs to have myself a pitty party when I got upset for my husband telling me how to reposition our baby for a better video. (We never got it as evidenced on my blog post today.) I was upset that he was telling me what to do I guess. The thing is, he was actually trying to help me take a video! (Rare.) He actually came home after work (after dropping by his mom’s) instead of going to happy hour with his work friends! He actually ordered a pizza so I wouldn’t have to cook! (Not that I would have.) And when I was having my pitty party, he made a bottle for the little guy. It was just a long day and the stress of being at home instead of doing things I see friends do on their not-so-mommy-blogs got to me. He got to go to a good lunch with his friends and I was just DONE being a mom for those 15 min up in my room.
So at least my vase that broke was contained in the corner cabinet yesterday so I could close it and wait to clean it up until all 3 of my boys were in bed. (See pic on my blog from today’s post for the vase cabinet.)
And the burner covers that are now burned because I turned on the wrong burner the day before are from the dollar store and didn’t explode. Thanks for making me feel better:)
Tiffanys last blog post..Good Daddy
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Yeah, I’ve resisted the homemaker label, too. I think I even wrote a post about it. I see myself as me, Marianne, who happens to be home raising kiddos right now. Martha-esque, I am not.
As for your frustrations…I know. Cleaning the toilets, particularly with a weeboy with bad aim, gets me. Any cleaning really gets me — because it’s never done. There’s always more. Then, add to that an almost three year old with a mouthy temper and boy! We’re having fun now!
But…I know life on the corporate side of the grass ain’t so green. I’m glad I don’t have to play office politics anymore (never much good at it). I’m glad I don’t have to deal with psuedo-sexual harassment anymore (oh yeah, it’s totally still out there).
I’m trying hard every day to come at life from a state of contentment, no matter what explodes. Some days are better than others.
Hang in there!
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