I’ve been thinking about infidelity a lot lately, probably ever since my sister’s husband left her. Yesterday the New York Times reported that infidelity is on the rise. Politicians cheat, pop culture glamorizes cheating, and sometimes even my own true love thinks that it’s obviously my job (not his) to clean the poop out of the tub.
Sometimes the bloom seems off the rose, the glitter wears thin, and the once-in-a-lifetime is obscured by the everyday.
I usually avoid adultery movies. I’m just not interested in the rationalizations or romanticizations of being unfaithful. I don’t care how tragic or star-crossed or understandable it is that someone would cheat. If it could happen to them, it might happen to me, and I don’t like to think about that.
Then Dick and I moved to Seagull Fountain and entered a technology-drought like it was 1984. No internet, no TV, no internet. So we watched Spanglish, a movie we’d borrowed from my parents a year ago.
Dick loved it. Thought it was the best Adam Sandler movie ever (not a hard thing to be), and I thought it was the saddest movie ever. Until I watched The Bridges of Madison County for the first time, and decided that was the saddest movie ever.
Sad because I totally get why Francesca would cheat. Her husband, the farmer, slams the screen door. Every. Day. He’s silent during dinner. Her kids are normal teenagers (enough said).
That slamming door is so symbolic, I tell Dick. It means the farmer also leaves the lid up, the cap off, the blender out, the foreplay forgotten.
Oh, Francesca! Where do I find an itinerant National Geographic photographer of my own, eager to peel carrots and bring me drinks and ever-so-gently ease the door shut?
That silent screen door is so symbolic, I tell Dick. It means the photographer sees her. He sees her flaws and loves her anyway. He sees her dreams and rejoices in them. HE SEES HER.
At the end of the movie, when Francesca is devastated over the photographer leaving and her staying, the farmer notices that she is undone, and asks what is wrong. More tears. He asks again. She says she just needs a minute.
He reaches over to the radio and — Here it is, I think, here is where he turns the dial to Francesca’s favorite Italian opera music, proving that he, too, SEES her, and it is a SIGN FROM THE HEAVENS ABOVE that she has made the right decision (the staying, not the straying).
But no. He turns it to the Farm Report. Francesca cries. The photographer drives out of Iowa.
And then, as the stupid tears course down my cheeks, I remember a few things:
The farmer falls in love with Francesca in Italy and gives her all he has.
The farmer tells her that he cannot sleep without her beside him.
The farmer TAKES THE KIDS FOR FOUR DAYS so she can have some alone time.
The farmer asks her what’s wrong. Twice.
I don’t know about you, but if my husband takes the kids to the state fair for four days, I’m not thinking of cheating on him, I’m polishing my shrine to his saintly-wonderful self.
And not only does he notice when she’s upset, he asks her what’s wrong. Twice.
The farmer doesn’t see Francesca because she does not show herself to him.
My sister worries that our youngest sister will have a harder time taking the leap of faith into marriage, after seeing what happened to her could-have-been-perfect marriage. I think it is a darn good thing that Dick and I leapt when we were both just babies, too dreamy to guess how many things could go wrong.
After ten years of a marriage that I would like to continue forever, I have a few pieces of advice for both of my sisters and whomever they end up with:
For the men: Don’t slam the screen door.
For the women: Show yourself to your husband. (Every day). (Even when he forgets to ask).
For both: Don’t forget the . . . friendship.
That’s what works-for us. What works for your marriage? Got any advice for the single or the newly re-single?
Tags: husbands, marriage, wives
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I loved that movie. And I totally understood why she did it, too. And I also agree with your advice. Sometimes we think they aren’t looking so we stop showing. But they really are, they just don’t know how to ask us to. Marriage is hard, but totally worth it – and the friendship will carry you through the hard times, even if you have to clean the poop out of the tub. (I laughed so hard when I read that – a scene right out of my own life!!)
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You know, I read The Bridges of Madison County years ago (before being married) and managed to miss out on all the ways the Farmer actually did try with Francesca.
Now, I wonder how often I’m guilty of missing all the ways my husband actually tries, too. Thanks for the reminder.
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I didn’t like Spanglish much. It’s depressing. Bridges of Madison County was good but also depressing (way better than the bad writing in the book). I completely understand why she did it and I completely understand why she stayed.
Natashas last blog post..Dumb made-up word that eats at my soul each time I hear it.
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What a nice and inspiring post. I’ve been with my wonderful hubby since we were “babies” too (13 years ago) and I think it’s critical to really see each other. It’s easy to get caught up in being the victim or the misunderstood one, but we have to really work at being a good partner and that means seeing the efforts our partners make for us!
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I whole heartedly agree. It is the little things that make strong marriages even though everyone loves a grand gesture (ie. flowers, surprises, weekends away) once in a while. My hubby and I have a simple rule: neither leaves the house or comes home without finding the other with a kiss. We have prayed together, laughed together, worried together, talked on the phone at least once during the day, have been best friends, and we are still madly in love for 12 years (in Dec) and still counting.
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It isn’t easy, showing yourself when it seems he isn’t looking. Sometimes trust is such a leap in the dark. Wow. Have I mixed enough metaphors for you?
Veronica Mitchells last blog post..Male Post-Partum Depression?
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I love your writing. This makes remember how considerate and wonderful my husband is to me, no matter how rude I am to him. But “showing” myself to him, as you put it, is one of my weaknesses. What to do? I guess recognizing that I fall into that trap is the first step, right?
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Our deepest desire is to be known. I love how you have pointed out how the farmer really did try to know her. It’s easy to overlook, when someone isn’t knowing us the way we want them to. That is very selfish though. Start by respecting their method of knowing you and grow from there.
Audra Krells last blog post..Luv in Hard Times
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The taking of the kids for four days is enough to keep me from straying. SEXY!
Mrs. G.s last blog post..Barb
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Great post!! Love it. Thank you for your insight. I think friendship is the biggest key. I also think that what helps us keep going is that we are committed as much as we are in love. There are days when love alone doesn’t see you through… the commitment does. Thankfully, those days are few. But it helps. Alot.
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We’ve recently debated the whole infidelity thing on my blog; it got heated but I think there were some worthy contributions.
You’re right; people don’t want to think it could happen to them, but what I’ve found is that it can happen right at the beginning of a relationship as well as those that are established (though for different reasons!)
The one common thread that runs through them all friendship, communication and commitment; if both parties have these in mind then most wounds can be fixed. I hope so anyway.
Debsylees last blog post..Unfaithfulness, pt. 2…
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My husband kissed my forehead this morning and said, “I am taking the boys to school so you can sleep in a little while.” Do you know what I am doing? Anything and everything I can think of to repay him for his loving kindness… and when he gets home I will repay him some more. Marriage is 100/100.
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Just found you through WFMW- and Oh my goodness did I need this today!
I had forgotten about that movie AND forgotten many of the ways my husband tries. Thanks for the post!
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Love this post…love it, love it, love it!
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After watching numerous husbands toss their wives aside for a fling or whatever, this has been on a my mind as well. Even after 20 years of marriage, I can never get complacent.
BTW, just discovered your blog through Twitter. You’re one of a half dozen on a feedburner subscription. This is good stuff.
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it drives me nuts when brad asks me what’s wrong because he asks me every time i sigh, and i sigh a lot, and it’s usually because i’m catching my breath. i forget to breathe sometimes.
our biggest problem is that we speak different languages. i’m very direct, he just hints around and expects me to figure out what he’s trying to say. he ties up his emotions in his speech, i’m more rational and logical. supposed to be the opposite isn’t it? so i know how men feel.
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Beautiful, Jane.
I always tell the kiddos here that if you want something in life, you’ve got to ask for it. That applies to marriage, too.
Don’t play games and hope that the other person figures out all your clues: be direct, kindly so, but direct with wants, needs, hopes, and dreams.
Oh, and learn to let the little things go because when you really have to face something that’s potentially devastating, the little things are just crumbs on the floor.
Going on 14 years of being married to my best friend.
He truly is.
Good, good post!
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Great post. I really need to revisit that movie…haven’t seen it in years.
I’m a relative newbie to marriage compared to some, but we’ve found the following to be true:
1. I need time to think and process “discussions” (disagreements/arguments). The best place for me to do this is Target. I’m not joking. Something about aimlessly wandering through aisles and yet having the ability to check something off my to-do list while letting off steam just touches me in a deep part of my soul. I come back calmer, and with laundry detergent, to boot.
2. I suck at saying “I’m sorry”. Mainly because I didn’t grow up in a home where we admitted it if we were wrong (as if that happened). I’m learning. Slowly. Husband is a master at it. Very gracious, indeed.
Ah, marriage. In some ways it’s the craziest concept on earth…and yet, the best.
Melissas last blog post..Come on Precaution, Take a Step Aside.
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Great post and valuable advice. I get so tired of women blaming when they aren’t giving.
Also, I don’t like Adam Sandler hardly at all, but Spanglish I liked and Reign Over Me is his best.
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Your honesty, insight, and rigorous insistence on staying in the first person, I’m sure have made many of your readers’ marriages better, many lives better. I really hope that makes you feel good about yourself. I wish you’d been around when I was struggling with marriage(s).
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Thanks for the poignany post. I think I take my saintly hubby for granted way too much. I think our relationship is pretty perfect, so I might neglect it on occasion. I will try even harder to connect now.
Jens last blog post..The sights and smells of autumn
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very nice post!! my sister is divorced 4 years now and it is a struggle watching her and my neice sometimes. Especially when she tells me she wants a marriage like mine. It totally cracks me up because even though she asks advice she hears none of it.
Truly Prince Charming lives only in your fairy tales, Brad Pitt isnt going to suddenly leave Angelina and show up in yhour living room and take you away from all the tedium, the average married couple doesnt go out to the bar, or the opera, or the play, or XYZ every friday and saturday night….we are more into play dates at the zoo with the kids or going out and teaching them how to fish…
and honestly the sexiest thing my hubby has done in a long time was to get up this morning and take them to the bus at the butt crack of dawn because i think i am coming down with strep and feel crappy.
steff
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I haven’t seen Spanglish, and haven’t seen Bridges over Madison County since years before Miss M, so it’s in that fuzz of pre-baby experiences that don’t stick in my brain.
As for what works for us: Communication. We’ve always felt our relationship was based on it (4 years of long-distance dating, seeing each other one or two times a year meant phone calls were all we had). We’ve had to work on communication more after being in the same country again, but every now and then I think we both wish we’d still take the time for half-hour daily phone calls.
Continually-evolving trust.
And me trying to rememeber to be touchy-feely-smoochy-affectionate. I am so not a girl in that way, but I try to be, because he loves it.
Kirstys last blog post..You doing, Mummy?
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Another great post, Jane.
RJ & I will celebrate 28 years next week – pretty good, considering I was not EVER getting married! Of course we’ve had some bad spots, but it’s been mostly good – or I would have shot him! In the beginning, I expected him to “know” what I wanted – like he could read minds or something. I finally figured out that if we both just said what was on our minds, it worked a lot better. Also – treat each other with the same respect you treat your friends. Do you cheat on your friends?
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Great post. I’m living proof that the movie might have some accuracy. I’m the husband (still, I think) of a blogger who has had to face cheating, ironically while my wife was at a certain women’s blogging conference in SF. The problem in our situation was that we have a young daughter and while I’ve spent her early years learning to be a good dad, I’ve also forgotten to pay attention to Francesca, so to speak.
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So true. If my husband thoughtfully took my kid away for days on end, I’d spend my time sleeping, reading fluff and sleeping. I would be so grateful, I wouldn’t nag him for a week.
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This post reminds me of a scene in the book Angels in the Gloom by Anne Perry. Set in England during World War I, Hannah is at her home when a woman who recently lost her husband in the war stops by. It is clear the woman is in deep distress and when she finally shares her agony with Hannah. She tells Hannah that a fellow soldier of her husband visits her and tells her all these wonderful things about her husband. She is shattered because she hadn’t seen those things. He had help himself apart from her ostensibly to protect her from the horror of the war. And yet in protecting her, he pushed her away. It pushes Hannah to beg her husband to share himself with her, the life he leads as an officer on a Navy warship. Doing so takes tremendous courage, because the reality is hard. I think sometimes we hide ourselves from our spouses in the effort not to bore, or to protect, or even to avoid confronting our own weaknesses. In the daily exchange of information about the mundane details of work, number of diaper changes, or catastrophic messes in the kitchen, are we sharing our feelings and really allowing our true selves to shine through?
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Jane great post. I loved how you broke down the movie this way. I didn’t quite get it when I first saw it years ago and several times since, but you did a great job explaining it to me.
thanks.
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