Everything I know about manners I learned from The Berenstain Bears Forget Their Manners. Brother and Sister Bear are just about as impolite as it gets. And then there’s Papa Bear, who’s basically Homer Simpson in a bear suit. In fact, if I were Promise Keepers: Men of Integrity, I’d be suing Stan and Jan Berenstain for their belittling representation of the American father figure.
Mama Bear, on the other hand, is shown as the fount of all wisdom and motherly goodness, which I have no problem with, in theory. But her Politeness Plan goes against everything learned from behavior modification studies, being a system of punishments for bad manners with no reward for good manners. (Good manners are their own reward.)
So it’s no surprise that a sound Theory of Teaching Manners is based not on the parental units, but on the actions of Brother and Sister Bear, who scheme to subvert the Politeness Plan by being overly polite, hoping this will irritate Mama into scrapping it altogether. Instead, as Brother and Sister enjoy the happier, sunnier, all-around celestial harmony that is greater politeness, they gradually forget to be overly polite, and, of course, the over-politeness never bothered Mama in the first place.
Game Plan: Overly Polite
It’s really quite easy to teach manners. Simply model good language. For example:
“Please, Sally dearest, say May I have a glass of milk, Mommy dearest? or you won’t get anything to drink all day.”
or
“Please, Susan dearest, put your freakin’ boots in the closet right this second or I’m throwing them away.”
or
“Please, Spot dearest, sit your tookey down before I come whack it so hard.”
Simple.
Take it to the Next Level: Thank You
After you’ve taught your kids to say “please, xxxx dearest,” you’re ready to move on to possibly the most important phrase in any language: Thank you. Learning and using “thank you” in a foreign country is the best thing you can do to promote cross-cultural understanding and world peace. That and “I’m sorry”/”Excuse me”/”I’m just a clumsy tourist; please don’t judge all Americans by my cluelessness.” In Japan, for example, we used “sumimasen” liberally, to great effect.
Imitation: the Easiest Form of Parental Abuse
The Overly Polite Politeness Plan is highly effective. Sally, Susan, and Spot now often say “Please, Mommy dearest.” However, we’re still working on the “Thank you, Mommy dearest.” Here’s how it comes out as of today:
Sally (7): “Thank you, Mommy dearest” (snark, smirk, eye roll).
Susan (3): “Gank you, Mommy dearest” (sweet smile, syrupy singsong).
Spot (1): “dat do” (get the video camera: SPOT CAN TALK!).
Teaching manners by the book is what works for me this week. Head over to Shannon’s for the most amazing list of every tip you ever needed, and many you never could have imagined.
Tags: Berenstain Bears, book review, Jan Berenstain, kids, manners, Stan Berenstain, works for me
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We have the Little Critter manners book and it’s pretty much like that too. They try, but they just miss the mark somehow.
I have good memories of this book. I think we listened to it on tape, even. Can Spot really talk???
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Dat Do.
Evan LOVES all Berenstain Bears Books. I adored them growing up, and have thus purchased about every one I see for him.
Let me just say this: I am BB’d out. Though, I would LURVE to live in a treehouse like that…
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Marie — I like Little Critter. He kills me.
LL — yes, SPOT CAN TALK.
tracey — I like BB in general, too. They do have some good morals, etc, but they really are pretty sexist. That article I linked to has a fantastic list of how several of the books put Papa down.
Thank you for making me smile
Great post! I love your examples. My two year old says please, thank you, and excuse me (without prompting 1/2 the time) and it makes al the difference.
Thanks for sharing!
C’mon by Wani’s World and check out my WFMW!
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Funny post!
How funny! I agree please and thank you go a long way!
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Tee hee, you really DO learn from the Berenstain Bears! Manners are tough, even into their 30s some folks have to be reminded…
We love that book! And so true. We have not practiced being super-polite in a long time, so we are going to start today!
My little one is 19 months. I have been working with him on “Thank You” since he was just itty-bitty. Maybe 7 months. But God bless him, he will say Dat Do also. He only started saying “Mama” this past month, but I think I am actually happier about the spontaneous Dat Do.
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My twins are 15 months old and I am starting to hear things like YAH, and NUH-UH. Coming out of their mouths. It’s so me. I need to ramp it up and start being a better role model.
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I disliked these books growing up – too many words. Seriously though, I never liked the messages. Inately I must have known that they weren’t teaching authentic life lessons! ha ha
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Kerri — Spontaneous gratitude is priceless, in whatever form.
MereCat — Yep . . . I mean, yes!
Audra — Funny! Glad to know I’m not alone in being suspicious of those bears . . .