Further proof that it is preferable to give than to receive, at least when it comes to advice: My ‘greatest hits’ WFMW post so far was my ‘backwards’ edition of Am I the Only One?.
I asked if I were the only one to experience greater desire for sex than my husband and expressed frustration with (esp. Christian) marriage advice that assumes a man’s desire is always much greater, and bases whole marital strategies on this assumption.
Besides asking for help, the topic helped my post’s popularity. As one lurker commented, “I guess all it takes is the mention of sex for me to make a record of my cyber-presence on your blog.” Your response was overwhelming in understanding and good, concrete advice as to what I could do to reduce my frustration (both mental and physical, eh).
An interesting issue that has arisen from the continued comments is sex after pregnancy and childbirth. About how the maternal body reacts to pregnancy, labor and delivery, in feeling, perhaps, more vulnerable emotionally or physically, and also in experiencing pain again. I remember after my first daughter’s birth I was shocked by how much sex hurt (not as bad as our wedding night, though, when I feared we would have to get an annulment).
One commenter said that she was experiencing much reduced interest in sex post-baby, and that “with all of the lactation hormones . . . [I'm] feeling very protective of my own body, something I never experienced until after I had a baby.” I know another woman who experienced phantom pain and lingering fear, almost, of sex after childbirth.
Maybe this is just Nature’s way of spacing out our babies?
I’m curious as to how giving birth has affected you. Beyond the obvious sleep-deprivation and time-consuming care-of-a-new-infant issues that logistically limit opportunities/desire for sex, did you find yourself feeling more vulnerable or more protective? And has your experience varied after a first, second, third, etc, birth?
And one final, final question: What’s the best thing your husband’s ever done to make you feel desirable? Loved? Eager for intimacy? (I’m looking for hints to give Dick).
Thanks again for your willingness to share your ideas and advice on this topic!
Tags: advice, marriage, sex, works for me
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Susan says I’m not allowed to make comments on posts like this
so, you’ll have to email her . . .
Eric’s last blog post..My lone blog visitor
I had to read your first post before I could comment. And yes, I agree with you that “Christian” marriage advice can be a little…well…too…weird. It’s like they are saying that it is not right for a proper Christian wife to -oh no!- enjoy sex. And that sex is for the man’s enjoyment….that women are there for his enjoyment….and not the other way around.
And I am with you, on the rare occasion that I am in the mood and Peter is not (stress at work, etc) I feel rejected and unwanted and unattractive. Most times our sex drives are at the same level, but there are times when I want it more than him.
What ideas can I share?
None that are appropriate for a blog.
Jacki’s last blog post..Seeds of Hope
What works for me? Clean porcelain, as in the toilet variety. If my house is clean I am more inclined to be romantically interested.
I have come to realize in my marriage that what I want and crave is attention (having my husband sit and listen to me, be near me, etc) and my husband craves attention too, sexual attention. So I’m beginning to realize that if I want attention, then I need to pay attention to my husband.
Heather, I thought I was the only one! When I have a clean house, I too am more inclined to be romantically interested. I thought that was a little strange, but if my house is a mess, it stresses me out and nothing turns me on more than for my husband to have the house clean when I get home LOL
Trina’s last blog post..Pics from our Portrait Party
After having babies, it takes me a good 6 mo, even a year with one of them to feel normal again. . . back to my old sexy self!
As for my hubby? Well, other than etching his love in mildew for me, he snuck onto my computer and wrote a guest blogger post-about me. It was by far the sweetest thing-because he knew how much it would mean to me!
We are THAT family’s last blog post..And the Winner Is . . . .
Wow! What a great topic.
Argh… it makes me crazy that people who don’t need to be talking about and having sex (unmarrieds) talk about it and do it all the time. And those of us whom have God’s blessings to have all we want (the marrieds), don’t talk about it…. much less do it! jeepers.
So, it’s so nice to hear sex discussed on a blog – in a way that is appropriate.
I’m definitely with you in the “wants it more” boat. My husband was abused as a child … and well, he’s just not really interested. Too much baggage for him. Me? I’d do it on the kitchen table, if I knew the kids wouldn’t find out. How can we balance the tables? I don’t know. I’ve been asking myself that for 24 years! But I appreciate the opportunity to share that you’re not alone, Jane. (ps Is it okay that I found your last paragraph quite comical: And one final, final question: What’s the best thing your husband’s ever done to make you feel desirable? Loved? Eager for intimacy? (I’m looking for hints to give Dick).
-|<@ren
OK, I read your other post, and want to weigh in. I agree that is horrible to think that sex should be used as a power over one partner or the other. That said, my situation is the opposite of yours, but I’ve certainly been affected by kids.
I have 4, and each pregnancy made things more difficult. Things are not, shall we say, all in the same place as they used to be. Also, the first year of a baby’s life they require so much attention, physical, holding and such, that for me it is physically draining. My kids have heard me say a thousand times: OK, Mommy needs her three feet of personal space!
If a day has been over-stimulating, too much physical, emotional, audinle, etc., I just can’t bring myself to try without cringing. My husband has come to the point where if I’m not interested, he knows it just won’t be very good, and so he accepts that.
We have had A LOT of conversation about it though. Especially me reassuring him that it isn’t anything personal, and I do still find him as attractive as ever. We’ve managed to reach a point where neither one of us relies on sex for an assurance of the love we have for each other.
My parents divorced after 17 years of marriage, I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to make a marriage work. I insisted in the earlier years that my husband and I talk about things, even when at first we didn’t know how to express what we felt, we eventually figured it out. Even personal stuff, like this.
How to show you love each other? Depends. My husband can stop for bread and pick me up grocery store flowers, or a soda, both mean a lot to me. My husband? Well, I agreed when he wanted to become a fire fighter, and try to let him do as much as he can with that, even though it scares me, it’s in his blood, he needs to do it. So I don’t think anyone can tell you what will work for you, except each other. Experiment!
Marie J’s last blog post..Post 100
Hi Jane! First of all, you won my hairbow giveaway on my blog! Hooray! Email me your address and i’ll send them out.
To answer one of your questions, I think the thing(s) my husband to make me feel most desirable are:
1) He constantly tells me how beautiful I am and he’ll to the girls, “isn’t mommy lovely? She’s the most beautiful mommy in the whole world.”
2) He does things that make me feel relaxed because he knows I’ll be more in the mood for sex if I’m not stressed out, a.k.a. doing dishes, laundry, cleaning up at the end of the day, giving me a back massage while we talk, lots of things like that. He works over 80 hrs a week, but more often than not, the first words out of his mouth when he gets home are “what do you need?”. The fact that he is always thinking of me makes me feel desirable. I can’t think of anything sexier!
Mandy’s last blog post..Oh-so-yummy Teriyaki Sauce
Eric — Maybe you could just share your secret for making Susan feel oh-so-special?
Jacki — I hadn’t thought of it in exactly that way, but it’s interesting; maybe Christian therapists sometimes have a “Virgin/Whore” complex going on about women, which leads to the assumption that a “pure” woman would just have to “lie back and think of England.”
Heather and Trina — yes! yes! I had to leap on my husband the other day when he was cleaning the girls’ room. He was explaining all the stuff he’d done (and not in a complain-y way) and it was so exciting! (the girls were all in the tub at the time).
We are THAT family — Funny. So, Dick and I were cracking ourselves up the other day thinking up awful things we would do to each other if either of us ever left. Dick finally said, “I know, you’d destroy my blog,” and I said, “Dang, I didn’t even think of that, but you’re so right, that would be perfect!”
pinkcamojeep — Yes, it is pretty unbalanced who talks about sex, though studies have shown that married people do actually have more of it.
Marie J — I so hear you on the needing three feet of personal space. Sometimes I just want to lock myself in the bathroom forever. To scream “Don’t Touch Me,” but I’m afraid they’d take it the wrong way. Doesn’t translate to sex for me, though, because that is a way I like to relieve stress, so somehow that works, but I do hear you on the overload of stimuli.
Mandy — wooo-hooo, I freakin’ won something! That is so exciting!
first words out of his mouth when he gets home are “what do you need?”
Um, does your husband have a brother?
Just kidding . . . really . . . I think.
I have three boys three years old and under. My youngest is 5 months old, and I am honestly just afraid of getting pregers again. If I could knock fear out of my brain, I would initiate it every night.
Oh, and when my hubby comes home from work and gives me a long hug and rubs my back, that’s a good one.
Amber @ Run-a-Muck’s last blog post..My Good Mothering Skills
Jane- or whoever you are!!!!! I have dealt with the I am a maniac to be intimate and my husband has been a take it or leave it kinda guy. This has been the BIGGEST issue in our marriage. (23 years now) I remember being first married and the ladies from church complaining that “that was all their husbands ever wanted” I wanted to scream at them “let me have him!!!” I felt so deprived, I remember many a time begging for “it”. I’d even said, “I’ll do all the work, PLEASE?” I know this is sad. But it is real life. I have a wonderful man who is a VERY hard worker, provides for his family, loves me and is the best father I could ever ask for. He is just a low energy person. (or so we thought, read on) We have had 7 beautiful children together and when we had it, “it” has always been good, high quality not quantity. It’s true, keeping the house clean, and showing that I was interested in him helped. It doesn’t help to be mad, resentful, blaming and or rejecting him when he was interested- no, I never tried those tactics!!!!
I must tell you the most sad thing of all though, we just found out that my poor husband has a thyroid problem and low testosterone. Who knows how long he and I have suffered. We knew the about the testosterone problem but it was always on the high side of low. Nothing to worry about right? He was put on a patch and got aggressive. (where was my sweet man??) The best thing to do in that case is to find a pharmacist who makes his own formulas- have him make a bioidentical testosterone cream. The thyroid makes him tired and heat/cold sensitive. Who wants to have sex when you are exhausted? The Docs attitude was “oh I wouldn’t worry its not enough to worry about” Not enough to worry about?? I have been deprived because his thyroid has been out of whack and it could have been cured eeeons ago!!! So go find out if your man has any of these problems. It is so worth it. And good luck!! Love ya, Tara’s sister in-law
Oh my gosh! I soooo completely know what you’re talking about (I had to read your first post as well). I attended a conservative christian school my entire life and was a “prude” in the eyes of society since I didn’t date promiscually or do parties like others my age. Yet, I always had a very high sex drive. I dreamed of the day I would get married because in the christian world (and much of the secular world), you’re taught that men have a higher drive and “women should submit” and you’ll have a happy marriage. I even studied how to be a good wife…tons and tons of books on the subject. I couldn’t wait to get married and have a live with a man who’s drive was high. Imagine my surprise when I discovered I married someone with a MUCH lower drive than I had! Before marriage, I had pictured “it” happening 2-3 times a day. (Physical touch is also my love language..lol). Unfortunately, he’s perfectly content with once a month..or less.
That caused a LOT of problems & fights with us the first year of marriage..i felt betrayed, unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, misunderstood, ugly, discusting, etc etc. The only way things mellowed out is because I had to come to a point to where I didn’t care anymore. His drive never increased. I had to decrease my own desire (or well, decrease my vocalization of it).
Other than that we have a super marriage – I believe I married the best man on earth..and he’s sooo good to me (i haven’t opened a door for myself in 3 years!). I love him with all of my heart and I know he loves me the same. ..we’re compatible in almost every area of life. We just , unfortunately, have 2 very different sex drives.
So anyway…yeh I get very, very annoyed when I read “advice” that men have higher drives and women need to “give” more sex to their husbands and how you can “get your way” by “giving it to him”. That’s baloney advice in our house…it would be the other way around for us!
[...] We’re totally not influenced by self-interest around here. And I don’t need any more sex tips, so I hope that doesn’t rule out the top five things that immediately sprang to your mind. [...]
Great post, thanks! It is something to think about