I have long wished that I could be a spokesperson for Getting the Help You Need. To reduce the stigma that some people feel still attaches to those who are depressed or anxious or addicted or in need of any kind of medication, therapy, or other help to be happier people.
I loved Dooce’s testimonial to the benefits of Getting the Help You Need. Absolutely required reading for anyone who has ever felt remotely out of control. (And who hasn’t?)
We had a friend in Cairo whose father had severe headaches for 12 years after losing an eye and getting a glass prosthetic. When he finally went to see a doctor, they found that his glass eyeball was a size too large. Easily fixed the problem, and bingo, no more headaches. Only think of the 12 YEARS of pain he suffered through.
Though I often feel sad enough or unmotivated enough or anxious enough to take a long “nap” in the middle of the day, which is usually just me with my eyes closed under a heavy blanket, fantasizing what I would do with a million dollars (it’s relaxing), I think my body is regulating my serotonin or whatever pretty well. But if it were not, I would be on the phone to my doctor this minute.
Especially if I were experiencing any other stress in my life, like moving or having kids or not being able to have kids or having a husband or not being able to live with my husband or changing jobs or changing life phases, etc.
So, I am pleased to tell you that I have finally decided to take my own advice. Recent events have shown, again, that marriage is fragile. Dick and I are coming up on the 10-year mark, and for our anniversary, I would like to go to counseling. The In Real Life kind, not just the talk about our sex life on the internet and get really good advice from fellow marrieds kind, though that sparked a lot of good interaction between us.
I talked to Tara about this while we were in Arizona last week, and I admitted that there is one big drawback to the counseling plan. She said, the cost? And I hadn’t really considered that aspect. We can see a good therapist through our church for about 75 dollars a session, which is a lot of money, but not much more than your average couple would spend on a regular date (although not Dick and me; we go to the dollar theater and Mexican hole-in-the-wall type places, but we could save up).
No, the drawback I see is that I already know of a bunch of things I could do to make our marriage better (stop the mean voice, work on my appearance and outlook through exercise and, I don’t know, maybe some lipstick or something, support him in his work, church obligations, and hobbies, stick to our budget, etc). I don’t need a counselor, so it goes, to tell me how to have a better marriage. Why pay good money for what I already know (even if I don’t do)? But maybe that is the same argument other people use to avoid getting help they need.
So we’re gonna go. And while we’re saving up, we’re going to re-read/work John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that Grampa Dave gave us for our fifth anniversary. Here’s an online quiz you can take to gauge how well you know your partner. And there are a bunch of other great quizzes and questionnaires on Martin Seligman’s Authentic Happiness site. Dave gave us his book too, along with that Tale of Two Brains dvd. Think he wants to see our marriage succeed?
I think counseling and couple-help books will work for us, even if we are doing pretty well. Could always be better right?
Tags: counseling, depression, marriage, therapy
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Absolutely, we should reach out for the help we need (I enjoyed Dooce’s comments. Thanks for the link.) We have benefitted on occasion, if only for the odd comment here or there that sparked some conversation or new insight.
One more book recommendation along marriage counseling lines–Bonds of Love by Terry Warner. It is superb. He is a philosopher, not a psychologist, but his insights are invaluable.
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Shannon, didn’t you take a class from Terry Warner? I did, and he was great.
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I used to think counseling and therapy bore such a stigma, until we needed it. Marriage counseling SAVED our marriage and it is ALIVE now. Go for it!
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One other thought: Brigham Young has been quoted/paraphrased as saying once, “I would no sooner ask the Lord to heal me without going to the doctor than I would ask Him to give me a harvest without planting the seed.”
If we are His hands when it comes to service to our fellowmen, then surely, he may well give us the help we need through inspired and knowledgeable therapists.
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Sometimes having others tell us what we already know is what we need.
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I think there used to be a stigma on counseling, but now that I am a knowledgeable Psychology Major (ok. 7 more months to go before I get my B.A. finally), I look at marriage counseling like going to school to improve yourself. You go to school to learn about math, history, etc, but unless you took the one semester course at BYU for Marriage Prep., you have never been taught how to be married. I really see Marriage counseling as a really smart decision that people can make to learn how to be married to each other better than they currently are. Even with nothing wrong, there is always room for improvement. I wish I could go once a month just to update our marriage skills and get refresh our goals, etc. I guess I see it as why doesn’t everyone go to marriage counseling. While I am not going right now, I kinda wish that I was. Sometimes I just want a third party perspective too. Someday I hope to be that third party when I finish all my schooling and can be a marriage therapist myself….we’ll see.
Anyway, with the church, sometimes they subsidize the amount you pay based on your income. I don’t know how much you make, but you can always ask. You have to go through your bishop and all, but it may be worth it if you can’t afford to go but want to.
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I think counseling can always make a marriage stronger. I think it’s great you are going.
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Eric loves to say that everyone should see a counselor at some point in their lives. We’re also coming up on 10 years of marriage. How did that happen so fast?
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