I’ve waffled about posting this. I don’t want to embarrass my husband or pollute the pristine pixels of the internet with talk of sex. Though I am only interested in married sex, so maybe it’s okay. And I don’t want to be a trauma blog — how humiliating to divulge one’s darkest secrets, unless there were a great deal of money involved.
But I get so frustrated whenever I read or hear sex advice, especially that aimed at “Christian wives.” Everything from Dr. Laura’s The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands to Mark Gungor’s Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage seminars. (Dick and I watched the dvd last summer.)
Last week, it was The Diaper Diaries’ WFMW post, which was well-written and relevant to many women; I have friends who bookmarked it so they could go back and follow the tips for all 20 weeks.
It all sounds so great — just give your husband more sex, and you’ll have a better, more intimate relationship. You’ll even be able to get him to do things in “exchange” for sex (from Mark Gungor especially).
Problem is, I want sex more often than my husband does. Am I the only freakin’ one on the planet?
So, not only am I sometimes frustrated, I also get to feel unattractive and rejected on occasion. This is exponentially compounded every time I hear a women complain about her husband’s constant desire for sex, or hear this advice that if only I were more willing, or creative, or comfortable with my body, everything would be better.
AND I don’t have any bargaining power for the trash duty.
I think Dick and I are both well within the bounds of normal. “Normal” has to encompass quite a bit, eh? And Dick is ALL man, believe me. He loads the dishwasher wrong (the two times he did it), his hearing deteriorates rapidly if he has his blackberry in hand, and ten minutes of cleaning is a lot shorter than ten minutes on his computer.
Also, we love each other. We communicate. We’ll keep working on this issue for the next ten years. I wouldn’t want to work on anything with anybody else. If Dick were to die, my life would fall apart probably more than is wise.
But I still want to know: Am I the only one?
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For more deep questions, none of which will be remotely about sex, head on over to Works-for-Me Wednesday.
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there have been times (meaning 6 mo at a time) that i had a stronger sex drive than my husband but that was due to the fact that he was way overworked and tired and not getting much sleep. so his only desire was to sleep. of course when i was overworked and tired the same would apply to me. when we both get adequate rest it’s either equal or his drive is somewhat stronger.
i have a friend whose husband was rarely interested in sex, but later she found out it was because of a porn addiction.
often women aren’t as interested as men because the communication is poor and the husband does not know how to please a woman. women’s bodies are complicated, men’s are simple.
so if you have a good husband and he knows how to please you, i dont see any reason why you wouldnt have as strong or stronger drive than he.
my husband and I try to always be available for each other even if one of us is not initially interested. that way no one feels rejected ever.
sylwia
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Oh, sweetie, you aren’t the only one. Though the media sure makes you feel that way doesn’t it? Everywhere you look it’s portrayed as though men are total hound dogs who only have one thing on the mind. If your hubby isn’t like that, you start to believe that it’s because of you. Speaking from experience here. I don’t know what to tell you to make it better except to know that you aren’t alone. I think there are a lot of women in this boat, but it’s never talked about. Big hugs to you!!
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oh… you are NOT the only one.
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You are not the only one. Every human is made up differently and we make huge mistakes lumping everyone into one category or another category. If your needs are not getting met and you are bothered by it, then you might want to talk with your husband or a counselor. If it is only occasionally and does not bother you too much–stop comparing yourself to how you think other people are behaving (people exaggerate). A lot of sex does not make a good marriage and it can be a way of avoiding talking with each other. If there has been a sudden change in your husband’s libido, it might be a medical issue. It sounds like your husband is rejecting sex sometimes when you would like it–that does not mean he is rejecting you. I have learned that some people just have low libidos. That is just how their bodies were made.
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I’m starting to think that every husband and wife should go to a sex therapist at least once in their marriage and talk it all out!
I would have to say that in my case a lot of sex does make a better marriage. But you have to find out what works for your marriage.
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Oh my dear one, speaking as a “christian” woman married for 30 years with 4 children you are not alone – you’re not even close to being alone. each of the ladies that have commented here all have touched on what I was going to say to you. I had a chuckle the other day with another blogger about a 30 day sex challennge we had heard about. She cracked me up because she made a good point – it must have been a man’s idea because only a man wouldn’t take into consideration the 5-7 days a month where a woman would most likely not even consider having sex, so she suggested a 22/8 challenge. 22 days of sex and 8 days of comforting massage – I put my spin on it and said how about 22 days of massage and 8 days of sex – lol, right now I find massage a beter way to connect and a much more sensual experience, but don’t get me wrong, i’m not writing off sex – to everything turn, turn, turn, there is a season, turn, turn, turn…
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You are not alone. I don’t know the answer but I will tell you to enjoy it. After the hysterectomy I couldn’t care less for a long time and that was worse than being frustrated.
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Nope. You aren’t alone. I’m not having that issue right now, but I have had that issue in the past. But, it certainly isn’t addressed very often, is it? I understand where you’re coming from and I wish I had answers for you.
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You are not alone! 13 years and counting. He hardly ever wants to and I always do. Always. Heaven forbid I initiate it either because then I’m being aggressive and he shuts down. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one either. Thanks for putting this out here. What are we sex happy gals supposed to do?
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Our’s goes in spurts. Some months he wants it more, others I want it more. The more stressed my husband is, the less he wants it.
We went through a period where it felt like a drought to me. He just was stressed out, frustrated and feeling depressed about our finances. It was hard for him. As soon as we got back on track, he changed. It’s just the way he is.
Is your husband dealing with any issues like that?
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And good for you for opening up here.
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I agree with going to talk to someone. I think there may be ways to create a happy balance for both of you, you just may need an outsider to suggest it. My husband and I recently had a marriage meltdown but after weathering that (and seeing a prof counselor) we dtd every day for about 2 months. Renewing our relationship helped renew our desire for closeness and intimacy with each other.
Recently I told my husband that I thought we should schedule time to do it-which sounds stupid but all it is is us setting a time apart to go to bed early and be with each other. Time is the biggest culprit for preventing intimacy for us. Perhaps this would work for you?
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I for one am glad you posted this. My marriage is the same way. I totally sympathize. It does make you feel unloved and undesired or like you’ve done something totally wrong. Unattractive… that kinda thing. I totally understand all of that and am right there with you about the books and everyone that says “Give him more sex.” I totally would if he wanted it!!! However, that’s not the case. ::sigh:: No, you’re not the only one but neither do I know how to fix it. If you ever want to talk about it to someone that really and totally understands, you know where to find me! Hang in there, I’m sure he loves you bunches!
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Well, I’m the opposite. My libido is half, maybe one quarter, what my husband’s is. It’s hard for me to ‘get in the mood.’ But I’ve managed to stay married 27 years, and we dated 9 years prior to that…that’s 36 years together. What I know works for me is sometimes just cuddling. The closeness can, and often does, lead to other things. If my husband wanted to jump my bones, I’d probably jump away. A slow and easy approach works with me…maybe it works with the opposite sex, too. So don’t push the sex issue. Strive for closeness…and I don’t just mean communication. I mean physical closeness. Back rubs, hugs, cuddling on the couch to watch TV. It might lead to the bedroom. It might not. But it will be fun trying!
And trust me, even if he doesn’t say so, your husband thinks you are beautiful.
And I do have to ask…is this a recent problem? Because if it is, please have your husband see a doctor!
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No, you are not the only one. I’m with you on the frustration with the marriage books and marriage conferences. WHY they insist on teaching the wives to simply put out more is beyond me. If they must teach that mantra, they could couple that (no pun intended) with the lesson sex part of our relationships is tricky and requires stringent committment to humble-hearted love and care for the other’s entire person (not just his youknow!!!) Sheesh.
…and thanks for posting on this topic. It’s nice to be able to read others’ comments.
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NO – You are not the only one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I agree that you aren’t alone. I think communication is the most important part about it. I know if frustrates you to hear it but I really wish I had your problem right now. Sometimes I really want to have sex but being as pregnant as I am makes for a very disappointing outcome for me. When I was pregnant with my last baby I felt the same but I didn’t communicate my frustrations with my husband. I started feeling angry and resentful that he could enjoy it and it was so terrible for me. So this time I talked to Mike about my feelings with the last baby and told him I would probably feel the same this time around. It has made things so much better. I still don’t always have the outcome I had hoped for but we are much closer and both understand the needs of the other.
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As you can tell, you are certainly not alone. My husband and I got into a fair number of fights right after we got married because I wanted it more than he did and I would get frustrated and feel rejected when he wasn’t interested. Things have gotten better, mostly because now I’m working a crazy, busy job, so I’m exhausted a lot, and he’s a student now, which is much less stressful than his old job. So I guess we have kind of evened out. But I do think that no one should ever feel rejected in a marriage, and so you should each be willing to oblige the other one even when you don’t feel like it. Marriage is all about serving each other….and you can do that even through sex.
But you definitely shouldn’t feel alone in this.
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You know, I agree with Aubrey: “I do think that no one should ever feel rejected in a marriage, and so you should each be willing to oblige the other one even when you don’t feel like it. Marriage is all about serving each other….and you can do that even through sex.”
I think when one spouse feels rejected it can really damage a marriage.
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oh, and one last thing that I’m sure we all know but it always nice to remember is that sex is one of the top reasons for divorce. So, obviously, a whole lot of people, if not all couples have issues with this. If there is a couple that has never had a problem with sex I’d love to meet them.
And I agree with Aubrey too that we should all be willing to oblige one another even when we don’t feel like it. I think it goes both ways. If one person wants it and the other doesn’t, both should be aware of the other persons needs and either not push or oblige even if you don’t want it. Then you are both showing the other you care enough about them to put your own desires aside.
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my husband would loooooove you for a wife!
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I cannot relate. I could live happily in a nunnery. In fact I would LOVE to live in a nunnery. And thus I resent such “give your husband more sex” advice for a different reason. One spouse should not be a slave to the other’s libido.
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Marie, I had the same attitude for 7 years of marriage: “One spouse should not be a slave to the other’s libido.” My marriage has gotten considerably better since I shed that attitude–but I don’t consider myself a slave. I consider myself as making sacrifices and he in turn makes sacrifices to please me.
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You are not alone. Many woman have a higher sex drive at times than their hubbies. When my husband is swamped at work or stressed, sex isn’t on his mind nor does he feel like he has the energy or desire.
When my sex drive is high, I’ve found that it isn’t always sex that I’m really desiring. Sometimes it’s the emotional and physical connection with hubby. My desire is really the deep level of intimacy.
Find other ways you can make that connection you crave and then talk to your husband about how he can meet those needs.
Sometimes I’m bored or restless and sometimes I’m feeling insecure and needy. It’s up to me to figure out why and then meet that need.
I’m really tired, so I’m not sure this makes sense. The reasons my sex drive is higher at times varies. Stopping yourself and thinking it through will usually reveal a reason and then you figure out if it’s something God should meet, you should work out, or hubby needs to provide.
And sometimes it really is sex that I want.
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I mean, the attitude I used to have was, “I don’t care if you feel loved that way. I feel loved this other way and so we’re going to do things my way.”
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I have had to deal with this same problem although there might be different reasons. Here are a couple of things that have worked for me. One, I started spending time with him, no pressure but a lot of cuddling while watching basket ball or whatever. I did not criticize but gave lots of praise for things done right, husbands have insecurities also and only want to do things they will be successful at. Some husbands assume if it worked for them it worked for you, my husband likes to know that he succeeded at making me happy. I teased some with a lot of petting ect. and them pulling back and making him be the aggressor. The number one think I did was chart my cycle and tell my husband when I ovolate I need sex (I didn’t word it that way, I made sure it was a lot more flattering to him). I also quit giving it everytime he wanted it on his terms, I hate mornings so if I know I want quality later on that evening I make him wait. I prayed about it and did basic work on our marriage to make our overall relationship work.
I know that it is hard but sometimes it isn’t a reflection on you or your marriage. Sometimes it simply reflects hormone levels-period. Hormones are powerful things and charting my cycle really helped me see that.
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you are not alone. reading through some of the comments i haven’t much else to share. except to second that it’s ok – it’s normal – it’s partly hormones – keep communicating with each other – look for ways to spend time and be close in lots of different ways – and be honest with each other about those kind of feelings – a marriage takes work, but it’s worth it – it’s always worth it.
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Maybe your dh testosterone level is low. Very, very common in males. Just a thought!
And what to do in the mean time, pray, pray, and pray!
Your dh might not even want to consider the possibility, but communication and patience work hand and hand. I believe it is just a simple blood test.
I admire your honesty!
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No, no, no, you’re not alone. I was doing research for a book on sex a couple years ago and sat down to talk with some friends. While most of the gals complained about how much their husbands wanted sex, 2 of my most beautiful, sexy friends spoke up and said, “I want sex more than my husband.” They wanted to know what was wrong with them. I wanted so badly to help them and went searching for answers. I didn’t find a whole lot (sadly) but I found out that they were NOT alone!
So, while the book is called Is That All He Thinks About? and probably sounds very unhelpful for your situation, chapter 6 (When He’s Not Interested) is dedicated to my 2 friends.
We’re not all alike. I’m a woman and I don’t like jewelry or shoes and I hate to shop.
p.s. I don’t think this post polluted the pristine pixels of the internet.
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You are SO not alone.
This is a discussion the hubs and I have had many, many times and while he tries for a while to make it “better” he tends to fall back into the same rut.
I know his job is physically demanding and he is 12 years older than I am, but I would hope that he would understand that this is important to me and our relationship.
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Thanks for all the great comments. I was so apprehensive about discussing this in public, and you made it very worthwhile for me. I feel like I have a lot of good concrete ideas for what to do AND a lot of commiseration that just makes me feel better and not alone.
Sympathy and Solutions — doesn’t get any better than that!
Good ideas I’m going to consider:
1) Aiming for “intimacy” rather than “sex”
2) Communication — can always be better, right?
3) The medical/testosterone angle is worth exploring (though Dick says I exaggerate and we’re more like 60/40 on our desires, which is probably true; but I still feel that the advice I was referencing (and the media, as one commenter said) makes it seem that “the norm” is more like 90/10 male/female.
4) Marriage as the ultimate opportunity to serve another and consider his/her needs first. I need to work on this.
5) Recognizing the triggers of a low/high drive (stress/overwork/tiredness and then hormones/cycle)
6) It really isn’t about me. Now if I just say that 700 times, I’ll start to believe it. (I told Dick that this really is all his fault — because he is just so fine I can’t control myself!)
7) Every marriage, every person is different. Duh. But I need to be reminded of this every once in awhile. (and stop making comparisons).
Again, thanks for all the comments. Maybe I need to join a book club again. All this female understanding is awesome!
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Weighing in late here, but just found you via Politics for Moms. Thanks for your comment on my Favorites Friday. Yes, I get teary about freedoms also!
And you are not alone in this particular issue! In fact, we are probably at the 60/40 ratio for most of our intimate life also. My dear hubby, The Boss, says it’s my hot Italian temperment. Which works for him in the bedroom, but apparently is not a great excuse in a fight! Who knew.
But I really believe it’s not just a gender thing. I tend to be more expressive in ALL areas of my life. For example, he would NEVER write a blog. Ever. He just doesn’t feel the need to understand, be understood, and use words to do it all like I do. The same is in our intimate life. And he rarely yells at the tv – even when the Eagles score an amazing play!!
I can become discontent with the state of things, easily. But I have to choose (as often as I can remind myself to do so!) to focus on the fact that who I am is a gift to my husband. And he is a gift to me. He just doesn’t have to work as hard as I do to unwrap the gift of me – I’m usually pretty ready to be unwrapped! (Not speaking strictly in bedroom terms here, although that’s fun too!) I have to work a little harder to get to him and to enjoy who he is. This holds true in all aspects of our marriage – sexually, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. He represents a challenge to me and I try to appreciate it!
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I have no idea if you remember me, but I am one of Marcy’s friends, and I secretly like to read your blog every once in a while. I guess all it takes is the mention of sex for me to make a record of my cyber-presence on your blog. (Kendall has once jokingly (and hyperbolically, I assure you) said, “I’m surprised you liked that movie/article/book–it had nothing to do with sex.”)
I worry so much that the traditional stereotype of women wanting sex less than men is very damaging to women (and to relationships). The stereotype hasn’t held true in our marriage at all. But neither has the reverse necessarily been true. I don’t think either of us wants sex more than the other–we just want sex at different times and for different reasons.
The reality is that there are 24 hours in each day and seven days in a week and several weeks in a month. It is not statistically probable that a man and a woman will each feel like having sex at exactly the same time. One person will have to somehow “convince” (perhaps the right word is “seduce”?) the other. And once you are both on board, it is not statistically probably that you will each want to have sex for the same reason. Sex has as many purposes as there are human emotions. Sex can be about having fun together, about letting off some energy, about intimacy, about comforting, about relaxing, etc.
Once we each started realizing that about 50% of the time we would be having sex when one or the other wasn’t initially interested, we became a lot more interested in watching for each other’s “prime moments.” We became more sensitive to helping the other person’s enthusiasm along. Similarly, we realized that we might each have different reasons for having sex at that moment. And rather than cry about it (which I have), I’ve realized it’s okay.
Sometimes, though, it’s magic. The statistical probabilities either mysteriously align in our favor, or statistics go flying out the window. The moment is right, we are on the same wavelength, and we wonder how it happened. Maybe it’s love. Maybe it’s hormones. I don’t know. But a few less-than-stellar sexual encounters are completely worth the chance of something magical happening.
Thanks for your always entertaining (and often very informative) posts. I’ll go back undercover now.
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As you can tell, you are not alone. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and our sex drives have ebbed and flowed throughout our marriage.
When we were going through infertility treatments, I do not know that either one of us “wanted” it but he had to perform. During those times, I just focused on making sure he was able to accomplish the goal at hand and I did not worry about my own needs. Plus, sex was such a burden for me at that time that I really did not have many desires to have it. We had to track every time we did it, had to do it often enough to keep his sperm fresh but not so often that it depleted his sperm. Pls there were ovulation charts, temperatures, urine catches, blood tests. UGH! My body did not feel like my own.
When he has been incredibly stressed at work, he his drive has not been as strong as mine. It used to bother me but now it does not. Once we started talking about it I understood that it was not about how attractive he was or was not to me but more about other things going on in his life. During those times for him, I try to make sure that he has backrubs and other things to help relax him. Many times that leads to more but there is no pressure for it. When the stress goes away, he is much more active.
If it has been awhile and one of us really wants it, we let the other know outside of the bedroom. We make a date and plan it. While some may not find this romantic, I do because we are making sure we take care of the others’ needs and desires.
If there has been a sudden shift in his hormone (or yours for that matter) level, then the checkup idea is a very good one. There may be a medical reason for it.
As far as those women who never seem to want it as much as their husbands, I cannot relate. My husband knows exactly how to make me satisfied. I sometimes wonder if their husbands know how to make them satisfied. Maybe if my husband did not know how to make me satisfied, I would not want it either. Does that sound horrible?
You are brave to put this out there and talk about it. While I am late to responding, I am glad that you talk about it.
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I’m one of the people on the other side who just doesn’t have much desire for sex, especially right now with all of the lactation hormones. I’m still nursing my 16 mo enough that I haven’t had a period yet. I think this is a huge factor in me feeling very protective of my own body, something I never experienced until after I had a baby.
It’s really hard for me to *want* to have sex. Once we actually do, it’s quite enjoyable, but the *thought* of it just is like…uh, no thanks, I’d rather sleep. Maybe I ought to try even when I don’t feel like it, but I just can’t bring myself to do it half-heartedly. So for now, this translates into very little action, which I don’t mind but which my husband really does.
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I just came across your blog and had to post on this one. Not alone at all. I deal with it every minute of every day. We’ve been to counseling…more than once…only married three years and STILL! arg. it’s hard. thanks for posting this…makes me feel like i’m not such a freak after all.
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I know I’m a little late to this post, but I do want to add in my perspective as a husband of someone who’s never interested…
There is absolutely nothing that is more frustrating for me than the simple fact that my wife has no interest in sex. She doesn’t seem to think about it, ever initiate it or even care to talk about it. It’s not that it doesn’t happen (hello, we’ve reproduced), but when/if it does, I know exactly how it will go before it even starts.
I can’t explain why, but it leaves me feeling completely disconnected, frustrated and just plain sad. Our marriage is fantastic with this sole exception, but my libido is such that the exception is a huge deal.
I’ll never do it, but there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about leaving. If it weren’t for our child, perhaps it would be different. Regardless, I used to think it was selfish, but I’m over it. I can’t help the way I feel or the way her lack of interest makes me feel. It is the most crushing and depressing feeling I have ever experience.
I feel totally trapped and after several years, its not getting any better. Knowing that there are women like you out there makes it that much worse.
Short version: Sex is a huge deal. It’s worth whatever it takes to get it fixed, if you can. You’re not the only one, and I hope things work out well for you and your husband.
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[...] worry (or, I’m sorry), there’s nothing about sex in today’s post. Or inebriated sailors, or, as Wikipedia explains, a ship whose sheets have come loose. My brother [...]
We match! It hurts my feelings when I have to initiate all/most of the time. Especially knowing what I know about his trashy past . . .
Now that I’m pregnant again and so tired I want to curl up under my desk and sleep all 8 hours, the tables have turned, but he seems to have forgotten the early years of my begging for more. It’s really frustrating for him. No kidding??
Give me some months and I’m betting things will be back how they were. In the meanwhile, if he would start things up before 10pm, I can guarantee I’d be a lot more enthused. sigh. I need a nap.
EMamas last blog post..Customer Service
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[...] with words like “sex” in them do quite well. This can be a post actually about sex (Am I the Only One?) or a post about your morning routing (The Unsexy Morning Routine). Sometimes it’s tricky, [...]
No, you’re not alone. The majority of the time my husband and I fall into the more common group where he wants it more than I do (though usually its because we have conflicting ideas of when to do it – I’d like to be “together” right after the kids go to bed when I might actually have some energy left in me… he on the other hand is a night owl and would prefer to be intimate at midnight when I’d like to be in dreamland already). But have gone through times when I am the one seeking and being rejected. Its not easy finding a balance to meet both your needs. Keep working on it. A good marriage is hard to find and even harder to keep! God bless!
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